


In the End

by rizlowwritessortof



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 22:09:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9518189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rizlowwritessortof/pseuds/rizlowwritessortof
Summary: This is my ninth installment for @mrs-squirrel-chester ‘s Album Fanfic Writing Challenge. My album is Smokin’ Hearts and Broken Guns - Shaman’s Harvest. This one was inspired by In the End from that album.This one is from Lisa Braeden’s POV. And my little headcanon, that I know many of you share. The words in italics are taken from the transcripts of episodes 6x14  and 5x17. This is also set prior to 6x21 Let It Bleed, when she and Ben get their memories wiped and my heart gets shredded into confetti.





	

In the end, could you say you won with certainty.   
Or did time drag you through the mud with gravity.   
All I know you never really get the feelin’ that it is over.   
In the end.   
  
Your words crush like a hammer,   
on the anvil in my heart.   
Any thought of a compromise,   
turns to shrapnel in my mouth.   
You were so fuckin’ heavy   
when I was getting off the ground.   
I carried you to the finish line,   
you disappeared into the crowd.   
  
In the end, could you say you won with certainty.   
Or did time drag you through the mud with gravity.   
All I know you never really get the feelin’ that it’s over.   
In the end.   
  
The stars seem so far away,   
like the distance in your eyes.   
Glazing over the moment,   
I gave in without a fight.   
I have no regrets for following desire.   
But now the roses in the window sill,   
have grown into barbed wire.   
  
In the end, could you say you won with certainty.   
Or did time, drag you through the mud with gravity.   
All I know you never really get the feelin’ that it is over.   
In the end.   
  
As the world slowly dies from a broken heart.   
We were shot down from the start.   
Never could quite pass out from the pain.   
Is this supposed to be a second chance.   
Will we remember how to dance.   
Turnin’ circles over all our days.

“ _No, don’t. Don’t apologize or anything. It’s just… it’s just I get to this place where I’m okay, and then you show up at our door. You keep doing that, every time I think I’m never gonna see you again. I’m trying to get over you. What are you trying to do? What do you want from us, Dean?”_

Dean. His name is carved so deep into my heart that even my scars have scars. 

I remember when he showed up again, years after what was probably the sexiest weekend of my life. It was Ben’s birthday, of all times. He looked so – the same. That panty-melting smile of his, those mossy green eyes, his lips… GOD, the things he can do with those lips. 

He saved Ben. He saved all of those kids. What kind of crazy world do we live in that creatures like that are real? I can still barely believe it. 

He was back again, a couple of years later, but he had changed. He was so serious – he scared me. Like he was about to do something irreversible… 

“ _Look, I have no illusions, okay? I know the life that I live, I know how that’s gonna end for me. Whatever. I’m okay with that. But I wanted you to know…that when I do picture myself happy…it’s with you. And the kid.”_

_“Wow.”_  
  
“I mean, you don’t have to say anything.”   
  
“No, I…I mean, I know. I know. I want to. Come inside. Let me get you a beer.”   
  
“I wish I could. Take care of yourself, Lisa.”   
  
“No, wait, wait! You can’t just drop a bombshell like that and then leave.”   
  
“I know. I’m sorry. But I don’t have a choice.”   
  
“Yeah, you do. You do. You can come inside and let me get you a beer. We can talk.”   
  
“Lisa, wait a minute. Things are about to get really bad.”   
  
“Like how? Like your kind of bad?”   
  
“Worse. Next few days, the crap you’re gonna see on your TV, it’s gonna be downright trippy. Scary. But I don’t want you to worry, because I’m making arrangements for you and Ben.”   
  
“Arrangements?”

“ _Whatever happens, you’re gonna be okay.”_ _  
_

“ _What do you mean? What are you talking about?”_

“ _The people that I’m gonna see next, they’re not gonna get anything from me without agreeing to a few conditions.”_

“ _Just… just come inside. Please. And whatever you’re thinking of doing, don’t do it.”_

“ _I have to.”_

“ _Just stay an hour. At least say bye to Ben.”_

He told me it was better if he didn’t. And then he kissed me, and told me goodbye. Part of my heart was already with him, but this time, he took the whole thing.

He showed up on my doorstep a few weeks later, and I was so happy to see him alive and well – it took me a few seconds to see how broken he was. All I could do was hold him, tell him it was going to be okay.

He tried so hard. He tried to do what he promised Sam, to live a normal life with me, with Ben, to leave the old life behind. And we were happy. As happy as he could be, anyway. We were a family. For almost a year.

Then Sam came back. Back from the dead, back from hell, I guess. And I knew, after that first time he left with his brother, that it wasn’t going to work. I didn’t admit it to myself for a while, but deep down – I knew.

We tried to work it out. We tried to fit the hunting life together with the normal family life. I told him to go, to come back when he could, just to make sure he was in one piece. I tried to keep things light, but I think we both knew it was the beginning of the end.

He came back once, middle of the night. I woke up and he was just – staring at me. I could tell there was something wrong, something really wrong. When he started talking about wanting to thank me and Ben… I started getting scared. He just walked away from me, and I couldn’t let him go, not without knowing what the hell was happening. But he turned on me, slammed me against the wall… and for a minute I thought it was going to be the hottest night of my life. He was so dark, so intense, and all I wanted was for him to kiss me, to take me… it had been so long, I craved his touch. Instead he said he had to go, and jerked away from me, lurching down the hall. When Ben came out, he yelled at him, threw him against the wall and ran.

I found out later what had happened. But I couldn’t let Ben be put in that kind of danger again. I had to draw the line. He still kept calling, and when I finally called him back – I told him we were done. Started forcing myself to go out when someone asked. Tried to ignore the hateful, accusing stares from my kid.

One night I had a date, and Ben called him, made up some story about me needing Dean’s help – that’s the night we kind of fought it out. I never wanted to hurt him. I just knew I couldn’t survive taking one step forward, then him showing up and blowing me ten miles back.

I will always be in love with him. He’s the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me. I miss him every damn day. I think about him every night. Every man gets compared to him, and none of them measure up. I’ll never be over him.

Ben’s doing better, I think. But if he knew… it’s horrible, I’m horrible, but I’m glad I never told Dean -  or Ben - the truth. Yes, Dean is Ben’s father. But I never want my son to live the kind of life Dean’s had to live. I want him to grow up, have a normal life, maybe get married and have some kids some day. Play ball, go to prom, get in normal kid trouble. I never want him to have to think about sacrificing himself for the sake of a world full of people that won’t know or care. I never want him to feel the kind of pain Dean has had to feel.

Great. Now I’m crying again. Had to get this out of my system, though. Thanks for listening. I just hope, wherever he is right now, that he’s safe. That he’s finding some kind of peace. I hope that someday he really will be happy.

God knows he deserves it.


End file.
